SEPTEMBER - 2014

HUMOR

What do you get when you run over a parakeet with a lawn mower? Shredded tweet

KID STUFF:

  1. Never tell your younger brother to paint the family car.
  2. Never tell your younger brother that you’re not going to do what your mom told you to do.
  3. Never try to baptize a cat.
  4. Never be mean to your sister when she is holding a baseball bat.

How do you get a one-armed Blonde out of a tree? Wave to her.

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

SOME OXYMORONS: Almost exactly – Act naturally – Passive aggression – Pretty ugly – Exact estimate – Working vacation – Genuine imitation. Theodore Roosevelt said, “If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.” (Thanks Linda)

IDEAS

Find truth about yourself.

Criticism often hurts more than it helps.

One lie leads to another.

Don’t whine.

PRAYER

Grant me, O God, the mind to see – The blessings which sorrows bring – And give me, in adversity – The heart that can trust and sing. - Marion Ham

Oh, God – when I have food – Help me to remember the hungry – When I have work – Help me to remember the jobless – When I have a warm home – Help me to remember the homeless – When I am without pain – Help me to remember those who suffer – And remembering – Help me to destroy my complacency – And bestir my compassion – Make me concerned enough to help – By word and deed, those who cry – For what we take for granted. - Anonymous

You are ushering in another day – Untouched and freshly new – So here I come to ask You, God – If You’ll renew me too – Forgive the many errors – That I made yesterday – And let me try again, dear God – To walk closer in Thy way – But, Father, I am well aware – I can’t make it on my own – So take my hand and hold it tight – For I can’t walk alone. - Helen Steiner Rice,

IDEAS

Overload often creates chaos and even sickness.

If at first you do not succeed, you are about average.

Eat slowly.

Keep love in your heart.

FROM ALFIE – SHAGGY DOG STORY NUMBER THREE

Upon a time there was a very wealthy man who had a peculiar hobby. He collected all kinds of jars. Mostly glass jars, but some other kinds as well. There was a special space on his shelf, reserved for a very rare and precious jar called a Tis-Jar. Only three were known to exist in the entire world.

The wealthy man looked for and found an energetic and enthusiastic young man and charged him to find, procure and bring home one of these jars. He gave him a carte blanche expense account and off he went.

First attempt was in darkest, deepest Africa. At an obscure tribe he found the jar, but it was the object of worship by an obscure sect of jar worshippers and in no way could be made available short of dangerous theft or outright murder!

The second jar was to be found in Mongolia and as it turned out was not particularly treasured by anybody and the adventurer was able to purchase it for a pittance! He carefully packaged it in a bale of cotton and paid extra for “special handling” from the United Mongolian Parcel Service. However, the aircraft experienced severe turbulence while crossing the Himalayas and crashed into the side of a mountain.

The last Tis-Jar in the world existed in the far north-east of Siberia among the Chukchi people of the Kamchatka peninsula. Our adventurer found the owners to be a singular family who extracted a usurious price for it. Once purchased, however, he took extreme care to vouchsafe he precious jar. He packed it most carefully and never let it out of his sight.

Everywhere he travelled with it, it was next to his side. All the way home.

Finally the day arrived when he could present his employer with the precious jar. The wealthy man carefully lifted the jar from its protected wrappings, carried it over to a specially prepared space on a shelf. He walked over to a drawer and removed a small wooden mallet. Taking a deep breath, he began to clink on some of the nearby jars while he softly sang:

My country ‘Tis of thee….

WORDS

NAP This word is a shortened version of an old English word hnappian which means to take a short sleep.

RED-LETTER DAY In the past, some church calendars marked important Christian feast days with red letters, so today a red-letter day is an important day.

SHILLY SHALLY This phrase means to act undecidedly and is a variation of the phrase “Shall I, shall I?”

RACK AND RUIN This describes a state of total decay and destruction. “Rack” is an alternate spelling of “wrack” which is a variation of “wreck.”

IDEAS

Strive to become better.

Cherish your old friends.

PERSONAL EXPERIENCES

1. On August 1st I had a conversation with a doctor who is about 65 years old. He told me that long ago he took his eight-year-old son to a baseball game in Philadelphia. When they arrived at their reserved seats, a man was already sitting in one of them. So he told the man that he had taken his seat. A heated conversation occurred and an official arrived on the scene and told the man to leave the seat which had been reserved for the doctor. He did and a few innings later the doctor saw the man again and noticed that on the back of his jacket were some printed words that revealed that he was a Vietnam veteran. Also he was limping. So the doctor wanted to make amends and he went up to the veteran to present him with a new image of himself (the doctor). Rather than being the proud, even haughty conqueror in their dispute, he chose to present himself as a shallow fool. He said, “Now I am going to look for an eight-year girl to beat up.” Thus he made himself out to be a common bully. His son looked up at him and said, “I am proud of you dad.” The doctor has never forgotten that moment of having done the right, merciful thing, many decades ago. Later, his son became a lawyer and one of his daughters became a Rabbi.

2. Recently I took a friend to the emergency room at Abington Hospital. We were there for about two hours as many tests were made, all of which were negative, so an antibiotic was prescribed. Anyway I had envisioned taking a number and sitting in a room of sick people waiting to be helped. But quite to the contrary, the staff there immediately took care of us with kindness, good humor and personal care. I recall seeing two doctors, who exuded images of high intelligence and self-confidence. I knew that all would be well when I first laid eyes on them.

HUMOR FROM LINDA

Four out of 3 people struggle with math.

Silence is golden unless you have a puppy then silence is suspicious.

If at first you don’t succeed, try doing it the way your Mom told you in the first place.

IDEAS

Review and question your views.

It is not enough just to exist; you have to live.

Time cools; time clarifies.

You cannot make someone love you.

Examine what is said more than who said it.

Ask questions.

One lie leads to another.

A place for everything and everything in its place.

SILLY HUMOR

“Doctor, doctor, I am suffering from hallucinations.” “I am sure that you are only imagining them.”

INVENTION: An ejector seat on a helicopter.

PRAYER

Precious Lord, take my hand – Lead me on – Let me stand – I am tired – I am weak – I am worn – Through the storm – Through the night – Lead me on to the light – Take my hand, precious Lord and lead me home. - African-American Spiritual

Dear Pan, and all you other gods who live here, grant that I may become beautiful within, and that whatever outward things I have may be in harmony with the spirit within me. May I understand that it is only the wise who are rich, and may I have only as much money as a temperate person needs. - Socrates

QUOTATIONS

“The closing years of life are like the end of a masquerade party, when the masks are dropped.” - Arthur Schopenhauer, 1788-1860

“It is the property of fools to be always judging.” - Thomas Fuller, 1654-1734

“A diplomatist is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday, but never remembers her age.” - Robert Frost

“I now perceive one immense omission in my psychology – the deepest principle of Human Nature is the craving to be appreciated.” - W. James

“Historical reminder: Always put Horace before Descartes.” - Donald O. Rickter

RELIGIOUS THOUGHTS

May He be forever blessed – Who has endured me for so long. Amen - St. Teresa of Avilla

O most merciful God, let the light of Thy love pierce to the most secret corners of my heart and overcome the darkness of sin within me. - John Baillie, Scottish theologian, 1886-1960

Give me a stout heart to bear my own burdens. Give me a willing heart to bear the burdens of others. Give me a believing heart to cast all burdens upon Thee, O Lord. - Ibid

Too often, Christianity has not been tried and found wanting – it has been found demanding, and not tried. - Ibid

The final reality, and the ultimate fact of our total situation to which we need to be adjusted, is God. That indeed would be my definition of God: God is He with whom we have ultimately to do, the final reality to which we have to face up, and with whom we have, in the last resort, to reckon [with]. - Ibid

O our God…it would go ill with the most praiseworthy life lived by men, if you were to examine it with your mercy laid aside…Our hope, our one confidence, our one firm promise is your mercy. - St. Augustine

Lord, I’m glad you created me to want to be active and get things done. But I need you to help me plan my time more realistically, and to “run the race” with unhurried patience. - Virginia Patterson

BRYN ATHYN HISTORY from the BRYN ATHYN POST

April 13, 1933 About a dozen persons applied for garden plots on the land offered by Mr. Raymond Pitcairn. The gardens range from 25x100 to 100x100 ft. The land is on Papermill Road opposite the glasshouse.

April 20, 1933 The Pitcairn Autogiro Company has sold nine autogiros in the past six weeks.

Sept. 13, 1933 An autogiro is to accompany Rear Admiral Richard E. Byrd, the only man who has ever flown over both poles, on his second trip of exploration in the Antarctic….

Feb. 15, 1934 The weatherman has been boasting of the all-time record of 11 below for Philadelphia, but thermometers in Bryn Athyn and vicinity ranged from 15 to 20 below last Thursday morning.

Mar. 15, 1934 Mr. Thorsten Sigstedt revealed, in a speech made in his home, that he had been baptized in Jacob’s Church, Sweden, where Swedenborg had been baptized.

May 11, 1934 Now is the time to rout the tent caterpillar. A little effort now will not only benefit you, but it will also protect your neighbor’s trees.

July 26, 1934 The Rev. William Hyde Alden passed into the spiritual world on Monday night, July 23….Mr. Alden was born in Bridgewater, Mass., May 25th 1858. He was of the fourth generation in the New Church and a direct descendent of John and Priscilla Alden…. Mr. Alden was the first to open up the new section of Bryn Athyn. Hence the name Alden Road.