AUGUST - 2014

HUMOR

Two ministers resolved their doctrinal conflict when one of them said to the other, “Look, what are we fighting over? We are both striving to do the Lord’s work. You do it your way and I’ll do it His way.”

An Easterner walked into a Western saloon and saw a dog sitting at a table playing poker with three men. He asked, “Can that dog really play cards?” One of the men answered, “Yeah, but he ain’t much of a player. Whenever he gets a good hand he wags his tail.”

Congress is simplifying the tax forms this year. There are only four lines: 1. What was your income? 2. What were your expenses? 3. How much do you have left? 4. Send it to us.

Some secrets are worth keeping. Others are too good to keep.

After attending church with his father and mother one Sunday morning and before getting into bed that evening, a little boy knelt on his bedside and prayed, “Dear God, we had a good time at church today, but I wish you had been there.”

Sound travels slowly. Sometimes the things you say when your kids are teenagers don’t reach them until they are in their forties.

A woman needs four men in her life: a banker, an actor, a minister, and a mortician. One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go!

The trouble with a lot of songs you hear nowadays is that some people forgot to put them to music.

POETRY

TO MY SON

I will not say to you, “This is the way; walk in it.” – For I do not know your way or where the Spirit may call you. – It may be to paths I have never trod or ships on the sea leading to unimagined lands afar – Or haply, to a star! – Or yet again – Through dark and perilous places racked with pain and full of fear – Your road may lead you far away from me or near – I cannot guess or guide, but only stand aside. – Just this I say – I know for every truth there is a way for each to walk, a right way for each to choose, a truth to use. – And though you wander far, your soul will know that true path when you find it. – Therefore, go! – I will fear nothing for you day or night! – I will not grieve at all because your light is called by some new name – Truth is the same! – It matters nothing to call it a star or a sun – All light is one. - Anonymous

QUOTATIONS

“To love for the sake of being loved is human, but to love for the sake of loving is angelic.” - Alphonse De Lamartine

“The true measure of loving is to love without measure.” - St. Bernard of Clairvaux

“Love gives itself; it is not bought.” - Henry W. Longfellow

“But thou dost make the very night itself brighter than day.” - ibid

FROM ALFIE – ANOTHER SHAGGY DOG STORY

Upon a time the Admiral of the fleet was visiting the ship H.M.S. Hoopskirt for an inspection tour. The good Admiral noticed a sailor at the end of a long line of strapping young men who was a good 12 inches shorter than any of the others.

“Sailor!” the admiral addressed the little man, “What is your military specialty?” The sailor saluted smartly and answered “Klutchmaker, first class, SIR!”

The admiral, confused, turned to the captain and whispered, “What in hell is a klutchmaker?” The captain shrugged his shoulders and turned to his First Lieutenant, who turned to his Second Lieutenant, who turned to the Ensign, who turned to the cabin boy. “Ask him to make a klutch” said the bright young lad. The clever answer was passed up the chain of command and then the admiral harrumpfed and ordered, “Make us a klutch sailor!”

The little bloke ran over to a locker and produced a tri-pod, a round cannon ball, an alcohol-fueled burner, a pair of tongs and a bucket. The cannon ball was placed on top of the tri-pod, the burner was lit and pumped up to produce a white hot flame which was directed to the cannon ball. Soon the ball was glowing cherry red. The klutchmaker grabbed the ball with the tongs and put it in the bucket, which was then hoisted up and whirled vigorously around at arm’s length. Finally with a shout the ball was let loose to fly out over the water. The red ball arched higher and higher but then descended. When it finally hit the water, it made a peculiar sound!
KLUTCHSSSSSSS.

BRYN ATHYN HISTORY from BRYN ATHYN POST

July 29, 1931 1. Mr. and Mrs. [Donald] Rose, Miss Tryn Rose and Miss Anne Hodson will sail on the Aquitania, August 19th for a three week’s visit to England. 2. Mr. Harold Pitcairn has been commuting between Bryn Athyn and Ocean City by Autogiro. 3. The Pond has been in active service again and has been very popular, especially during the hot weather.

Sept. 19, 1932 1. The Community Cornfest which was held at the Pond on Labor Day was well attended. There was plenty to eat and after some exhibition of swimming and diving, songs were sung at the bonfire to the guitar and mandolin.

2. Director – “Now then, you will be pursued for 200 yards by the lion.” Movie Actor – “Two hundred yards.” Director – “And not a step farther. You understand?” Actor – “Yes, I understand, but does the lion?”

February 1, 1933 1.The Civic and Social Club dance was exceptionally well attended. In fact the Auditorium was filled to capacity. Several of the young ladies provided some special entertainment in the form of a minuet and a Dutch dance.

2. Judge – “Guilty or not guilty?” Prisoner – “Not guilty.” Judge – “Were you ever in jail before?” Prisoner – “No, Your Honor. I never stole anything before.”

February 9, 1933 Tues. Feb 14 Women’s Guild at the residence of Mrs. Carl Asplundh, 8 P.M. Address by Mr. Thorsten Sigstedt on Wood Carving.

LIGHT HUMOR

MANAGER: Can you spell Mississippi?
SECRETARY: The river or the state?

The mailman delivered a letter to Rev. Jones. He opened it and found that it had one sheet of paper in it with the word “FOOL.” So the next Sunday the minister announced from the pulpit, “I have received some letters in the past on which some people have chosen not to sign their names. But this past week I received a letter from someone who did sign his name but forgot to write a letter.”

What are the sins of omission? They are the ones you forgot or omitted to do.

A teenager confided to his mother that he wanted to become a politician and clean up the mess the world is in. She said that that was a wonderful thing to do and he could start by cleaning up his bedroom.

He was said to be a great preacher – at the close of every sermon there always is a great awakening.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Since this is so, a lot of people surely love this church.

What does the Invisible Man call his mother and father? His transparents.

There was a young lady in the choir – Whose voice went up higher and higher – It reached such a height – It was clear out of sight – And they found it next day in the spire. - (OK, enough of this nonsense. RL)

VARIOUS ITEMS

ABOUT PRESIDENTS:

President George Washington received an annual salary of $25,000 which is equal to about $530,000 today. Compare this to President Obama’s salary of $400,000.

Jimmy Carter was the first president to be born in a hospital.

Theodore Roosevelt was the president who declared that the Executive Mansion was to be called the “White House.”

Franklin D. Roosevelt was the first president to appoint a woman to his cabinet.

CHURCH HUMOR:

Six-year old Jimmy had been standing in the church looking at a large brass plaque. Seeing the boy’s interest, the pastor walked up to him and asked, “So, what do you think of this plaque, young fellow?” “What is it?” Jimmy asked. “Well, son, these are all the people who have died in the service,” replied the pastor. Soberly the boy looked up at the pastor and asked, “Which service, sir, the morning or evening?”

A small girl sitting in church with her dad suddenly felt sick. “Daddy,” she whispered, “I have to frow up.” Her father told her to hurry to the bathroom. In less than two minutes the girl was back. “I didn’t have to go too far,” she explained. “There’s a box by the front door with a sign that says, ‘For the sick.’”

PRAYER QUOTATIONS

“More things are wrought by prayer than this world dreams of.” - Alfred, Lord Tennyson

“The bread is pure and fresh – the water is cool and clear – Lord of all life, be with us – Lord of all life, be near.” - Anonymous, African

“The fewer the words, the better the prayer.” - Martin Luther

“Grant me to recognize in other men, Lord God, the radiance of your own face.” - Teilhard De Chardin

A CHILD’S PRAYER “O heavenly Father, protect and bless all things that have breath: guard them from all evil and let them sleep in peace.” - Albert Schweitzer

“Jesus, lover of my soul – Let me to Thy bosom fly – While the waters nearer roll – While the tempest still is high – Hide me, O my Savior, hide – Till the storm of life is past – Safe into the haven guide – O receive my soul at last.” - Charles Wesley

“Let me ever increase in remembering you, understanding you, loving you, until you restore me to your perfect pattern.” - St. Augustine

IDEAS

Cheerfulness keeps a kind of daylight in the mind.

A tremendous price is paid when there is hatred in the heart.

Listen when someone speaks to you.

LOVE QUOTES

“Great works do not always lie in our way, but every moment we may do little ones excellently, that is, with great love.” - St. Francis De Sales

“Love wakes anew this throbbing heart and we are never old.” - Emerson

“There is no remedy for love but to love more.” - Thoreau

“How silently – how silently the wondrous gift is given – So God implants in human hearts – The wonders of His Heaven.” - Phillips Brooks

PHILLIPS BROOKS – AMERICAN CLERGYMAN, 1835-1893

“Charity should begin at home, but should not stay there.”

“Do not pray for easy lives. Pray to be stronger men!”

“I do not pray for a lighter burden, but for a stronger back.”

“Be patient and understanding. Life is too short to be vengeful or malicious.”

“Christianity helps us face the music even when we do not like the tune.”

“No man or woman can be strong, gentle, pure, and good, without the world being better for it and without someone being helped and comforted by the very existence of that goodness.”

AN ADVENTURESS

Recently a 28-year-old waitress at a local restaurant decided to go skydiving. She says that she is an adrenaline junkie. Well, she has had, I would say, an unusually active life, the details of which I will never reveal. Now she wanted to jump out of an airplane. As you probably know, a novice jumper often is attached to a professional jumper and they jump at 14,000 feet. But this waitress wanted more of a thrill so she paid more to jump at 20,000 feet with two of her girl friends. She told the professional jumper just before they jumped, to make it as wild a ride as possible. He told her to arch her neck backward and thus catch more wind and indeed they did as many twists and turns as possible, as they fell. She loved it. I asked her if she had any sense of dizziness, nausea or discomfort. She stared at me with a rather surprised look on her face and said, “No, none at all.” I called over to the manager of the restaurant, her father, and asked him to make his daughter leave me alone because she talked too much. He responded that he couldn’t give her orders because he loved her too much. That public declaration brought a wonderful smile to her face. Wow! Yeah, we are all friends.

I would add that recently I asked the manager if I could vacation at his home in Palermo, Sicily. He immediately responded that he would be happy for me and Dorothy to stay there as long as we wished. At a later visit to his restaurant he reminded me that his offer was quite genuine. But me, get in an airplane? I would get too nervous just driving to the airport. I have never flown in an airplane and I never will. Yet, someday I will take a trip and am preparing for the journey by trying to understand, forgive when necessary, and love all people.

HUMOROUS REMARKS CONTAINING MORE TRUTH THAN GOOD

“How can they tell?” Dorothy Parker asked after hearing about the death of Calvin Coolidge.

“He looks as if he was weaned on a pickle.” Remark made about Calvin Coolidge by Alice Roosevelt Longworth.

Here lies my wife: here let her lie! Now she’s at rest, and so am I. - Statement on grave of John Dryden’s wife

“Last weekend I went to Philadelphia but it was closed.” - W.C. Fields

“You’re obviously suffering from delusions of adequacy.” - From soap opera, Dynasty

“Katharine Hepburn (in The Lake) runs the gamut of emotions from A to B.” - Dorothy Parker

SAMUEL TAYLOR COLLRIDGE: “Did you ever hear me preach?”
CHARLES LAMB: “I never heard you do anything else.”

IDEAS

Find a worthwhile purpose in life.

Moderation in all things

Lessen the consumption of saturated fats and white sugar.

Don’t betray any confidences.

It does not cost anything to say nice things.